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Monty Python's Terry Jones on pre-emption

Show Profile  Andrew M Posted: 26 February 2003, 2:00 AM  
Subject: Monty Python's Terry Jones on pre-emption
Patience with my neighbours, Mr. Bush
Terry Jones, Sunday January 26, 2003 The Observer

I'm really excited by George Bush's latest reason for bombing Iraq: he's
running out of patience. And so am I! For some time now I've been really
pissed off with Mr Johnson, who lives a couple of doors down the street.
Well, him and Mr Patel, who runs the health food shop. They both give me
queer looks, and I'm sure Mr Johnson is planning something nasty for me,
but so far I haven't been able to discover what. I've been round to his
place a few times to see what he's up to, but he's got everything well
hidden. That's how devious he is. As for Mr Patel, don't ask me how I
know, I just know - from very good sources - that he is, in reality, a
Mass Murderer. I have leafleted the street telling them that if we don't
act first, he'll pick us off one by one. Some of my neighbours say, if
I've got proof, why don't I go to the police? But that's simply
ridiculous. The police will say that they need evidence of a crime with
which to charge my neighbours. They'll come up with endless red tape and
quibbling about the rights and wrongs of a pre-emptive strike and all
the while Mr Johnson will be finalising his plans to do terrible things
to me, while Mr Patel will be secretly murdering people. Since I'm the
only one in the street with a decent range of automatic firearms, I
reckon it's up to me to keep the peace. But until recently that's been a
little difficult. Now, however, George W. Bush has made it clear that
all I need to do is run out of patience, and then I can wade in and do
whatever I want! And let's face it, Mr Bush's carefully thought-out
policy towards Iraq is the only way to bring about international peace
and security. The one certain way to stop Muslim fundamentalist suicide
bombers targeting the US or the UK is to bomb a few Muslim countries
that have never threatened us. That's why I want to blow up Mr Johnson's
garage and kill his wife and children. Strike first! That'll teach him a
lesson. Then he'll leave us in peace and stop peering at me in that
totally unacceptable way. Mr Bush makes it clear that all he needs to
know before bombing Iraq is that Saddam is a really nasty man and that
he has weapons of mass destruction - even if no one can find them. I'm
certain I've just as much justification for killing Mr Johnson's wife
and children as Mr Bush has for bombing Iraq. Mr Bush's long-term aim is
to make the world a safer place by eliminating 'rogue states' and
'terrorism'. It's such a clever long-term aim because how can you ever
know when you've achieved it? How will Mr Bush know when he's wiped out
all terrorists? When every single terrorist is dead? But then a
terrorist is only a terrorist once he's committed an act of terror. What
about would-be terrorists? These are the ones you really want to
eliminate, since most of the known terrorists, being suicide bombers,
have already eliminated themselves. Perhaps Mr Bush needs to wipe out
everyone who could possibly be a future terrorist? Maybe he can't be
sure he's achieved his objective until every Muslim fundamentalist is
dead? But then some moderate Muslims might convert to fundamentalism.
Maybe the only really safe thing to do would be for Mr Bush to eliminate
all Muslims? It's the same in my street. Mr Johnson and Mr Patel are
just the tip of the iceberg. There are dozens of other people in the
street who I don't like and who - quite frankly - look at me in odd
ways. No one will be really safe until I've wiped them all out. My wife
says I might be going too far but I tell her I'm simply using the same
logic as the President of the United States. That shuts her up. Like Mr
Bush, I've run out of patience, and if that's a good enough reason for
the President, it's good enough for me. I'm going to give the whole
street two weeks - no, 10 days - to come out in the open and hand over
all aliens and interplanetary hijackers, galactic outlaws and
interstellar terrorist masterminds, and if they don't hand them over
nicely and say 'Thank you', I'm going to bomb the entire street to
kingdom come. It's just as sane as what George W. Bush is proposing -
and, in contrast to what he's intending, my policy will destroy only one




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